This is a new type of post I’m trying out. Where I’m just going to literally copy and paste from my journal. I have SO many of these that I intended to turn into blog posts but when I start editing them afterwards, I begin overthinking and never publish. So, screw it they are just going out there now.
I didn’t even read this one trough again so I apologize in advance for the incoherent sentences and grammar mistakes.
09/03/2022
I had a really awesome day yesterday and this morning I woke up confused.
In part because I wish that I could repeat it. Go to the gym again today in the morning. But I think that I’ve already found a solution: I’m gonna go for a quick 30 min run.
But I also woke up with a major writing itch.
I feel like I’ve become better at taking my days without thinking so much about the future. I have disconnected a bit from reflecting over the impact that everything that I do has on tomorrow, the next week and the next year.
Part of it is because I, once again, find myself in a situation where I’m kind of “waiting”.
Now, I’m waiting for this internship to end, I’m waiting for college admissions to come out, I’m waiting to go back to Brazil or Washighton or wherever it is that I’ll end up. I’m waiting… it seems like I’m always waiting.
I’m waiting for what?
Once again with that whole “having to find meaning” shenanigan that I hate.
But, what I’m beginning to realize – and probably the most valuable takeaway from this experience – is just how much I already had “figured out”.
How much of myself I already knew. How I already had the answer to “what makes you feel happy and fulfilled?”, how I already had the friends, the people and the connections that I want around me, how I had already put together a valuable skillset that continues to stand out.
So, even when I thought that all I was doing was “waiting”, I actually made more progress than I recognized.
This realization brings peace, of seeing the progress made, but it also brings fear.
What now?
Where do we go from here?
Seeing myself wishing, not always but at some times, to go back to the life I used to have is terrifying. Does this mean that I “regressed” a step?
But this morning, with a clear head, the warm smell of coffee and the rising sun outside (which I’ll soon be running towards), I can rationalize with this fear.
You know that saying of “you can never enter the same river twice?”. I know that even when I go back to the USA and then back to Brazil, even when I go back to the same environment that I found myself in a few months ago, I am not the same person.
The combination of fluidity and unchangeable traits of one’s personality is something that truly fascinates me.
The unchangeable habits and beliefs that I brought here with me. The things that expected to – but didn’t actually – change during my time living by myself in a different country.
And then the aspects that I can recognize I’ve “grown”. The reason this word needs to be marked is because “grown”, “good” or “bad” are all labels of our own creation. However, they are essential nonetheless.
Who would have thought that a trip to the other side of the world would end up proving itself more of a journey within myself? But that always seems to be the case…
What is the takeaway from this Brain Vomit today? It was definitely a very spread out one.
One, I have learned that the most important thing that I can strive everyday to achieve is to feel at peace and sure about myself. That the way I see myself that day, deeply impacts how I interact with my work, with those around me and with the situations that life trows my way.
Two, I have spent years thinking that I wasn’t enough in the sense that I just didn’t find myself in the right environment to pursue my goals. That the reason I didn’t know “the change that I want to make” is because I wasn’t in contact with the object that needs the changing. Now, I see that this isn’t true at all. In fact, I think that I’ve been making the change and having the impact that I want to have all along. It’s the realization that “the change” we want isn’t a goal set in stone. But a daily pursuit to be better, to do more of what makes us fulfilled and to keep ourselves open to the opportunities that knock on the door and ask to come in.
Because opportunities like these will knock, and if you are inside, reserving all the seats for a goal that might never arrive, you are missing out on some very interesting guests.
So, yes, I am “waiting”. I am waiting for colleges to come knock on my door, I am waiting for a job and new responsibilities to arrive, I am waiting for the day when I’ll finally find that one thing that only I can do, that only I can create, that only I can bring to the world.
But I’m not reserving any empty seats in the meantime.
Time to run.